Parents, we are in crisis. Children’s mental health problems continue to skyrocket—have you noticed that this is so, despite how inundated we all are with advice that uses the word resilience?

Teach this skill. Put your child in hot water and let them figure it out. Stay calm.

Sometimes (ok, much of the time), I imagine myself facing struggles as though I’m in a movie musical. I jump up from computer where the popular Dr. Mom tells me to bootstrap my problems, and I sing and shout:

We’re not gonna take it! No, we ain’t gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it anymore!

In this scene, we are singing in unison. I know you must feel my angst, too. This advice isn’t working, and it’s not just you.

Next, I hear this song in my head:

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt, hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
Or would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father, help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (love)

Where is the love? The developmental sciences are a relatively young body of research without a full century of the golden age of knowledge completed. We have so much to learn and so much is misunderstood. But here is one axiom that is known and has absolutely no room for misunderstanding: love in relationships is the very basis of human health and existence. It is literally the reason our species has survived and climbed to the top of the food chain. Because we relate to and connect to one another with depth, we provide care to one another, scaffold each other, and intuit unspoken observations and knowledge in order to stay safe and thrive. Inexplicably, the advice as described above encourages us to disengage, and we are all the more unhealthy for listening.

This Valentine’s day, let’s take the opportunity to bring the love back into our parenting and experience its power. Love is so much more than affection, romance, and transactions. Love is a shared idea between at least two people wherein deep bonds connect, sustain, and heal us. Love means seeing yourself and the other person with sincerity, welcoming each other’s individuality and nuance, and showing up for each other. Here are some ideas for families to celebrate love on Valentine’s Day and beyond:

1) Family rituals: Your family should engage in at least one family ritual daily, and at least one family ritual weekly. A family ritual includes the following elements: predictable time and place, opportunities for bonding, and relevance to the idiosyncratic nature of human families. In other words, what is special and specific about your family? Do you all love music? Create a weekly time to listen to a new song or two together. Do you all love tacos? Make a ritual for Taco Tuesday. Dinnertime is a common and accessible ritual for families, but if this doesn’t work for your family, get creative about other accessible times and opportunities. On Valentine’s Day, kick off your new ritual by engaging the whole family in its design—have a “love in,” or a meeting of sorts (but who wants to go to a meeting?), where you share with each other what ideas would feel like a chance to truly connect.

2) Connection: Think about connection as much broader than pure fun or joy. Sure, joy, humor, and simple fun bonds us together. But it does so because we often feel that the best parts of ourselves get to be together and thus it can also feel like all the conditions have to be right. Instead, take small opportunities to show up for one another. On Valentine’s Day, I like to buy pre-cut paper hearts (or easily make your own) and write messages to my family members about how I notice them. “I love being your mom!” or “I love to watch you dance…you seem so filled up, and that brings me joy too!” I also leave blank ones out in a common area so that children have a chance to truly engage in this opportunity. For love to exist and to grow, it must be shared. This can be carried forward in everyday interactions where we share love for one another.

3) Safe spaces: The basis for healthy living is a sense of safety, and our families are optimal spaces for true safety to be cultivated. If your home is a site of struggle, consider where you have access to increased safety, taking your eyes for a moment off resolving the conflict itself. Use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to step back. How can we redefine our relationship to each other with a sense of being a team? In what ways may the other person I’m struggling with feel unsafe to feel their feelings, think their thoughts, or freely engage with me? In what ways, do I feel unsafe, and how can I ask for nurturing? Remember, relationships are the key to healthy living!

If you would like a more tailored convo about love and mental wellness, set up a convo with me today!

Enter here the finale:

Think about it, there must be a higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart, and I'll look inside mine